121 24
I don't typically do this:
•
I struggle with depression and anxiety, as most people do at some point in their life. Most people are shocked when they hear that from me, "But you're always so goofy" "But you always have all the answers" "But you SEEM so happy", yea I know I do it's because I worked so hard at keeping up a facade that has started to fall away. I'm exhausted, I work five jobs, don't sleep well, and have dealt with a lot of loss the last few months. People can see it and I know that. I've been messing up at work more than ever, no amount of makeup can cover the bags under my eyes or hide the sadness in my eyes, but every day I get up and I go out into the world and I try. I try to focus on the victories, no matter how small, I try to talk to more people instead of keeping to myself and thinking, and now I'm here allowing myself to talk about it. A couple weeks ago I checked myself into ER with uncontrollable shaking, nonstop headaches, constant fatigue, and a tight chest. After a few tests the doctor sits with me and asks "Are you stressed?", I chuckled and answered truthfully, "I'm always stressed". We sat and talked about what was going on in my life, past and present, by the end his diagnosis was clear "You need to let yourself grieve, talk about your experiences, feel what you have been locking away for so long and you will feel better". I ignored my mental health for so long that my brain was making me feel physical pain and exhaustion when in reality, my mind was the one exhausted. Since then I've been seeing the right doctor's, talking about my experiences more, answering questions people have about them, and being truthful about what I've been going through. Depression is hard, but honey it really does get better. Every day is a new start, a new world to tackle, a new goal to set no matter how small. Some days a goal for me is just getting to work 5 mins early instead of 5 mins late, or brushing my hair instead of just tying it back, doing a nice makeup look, reading the book I haven't touched in months, writing a poem. Progress is progress, baby steps are still steps forward. I see you, and I love you 💙
