781 125
I've always been self conscious. I started starving myself when I was 20. Then I started modelling. It was the perfect gig, I thought. In reality it only fuelled my self-hatred. My eating disorder was my best friend. The skinnier I got, the more gigs I'd book. People said things on set that I'd tear myself apart over. "You can only get away with having bad skin because you have freckles" "Your legs are too big for these looks" "The other model looks a lot better in this". I could go on and on. I hid from friends and family. I avoided my reflection. I'd be too ashamed to eat in front of skinnier models. I'd hear stories about models passing out on set and be jealous. Then I was hit by a wave of bad news. I'll spare the details. My family was crumbling. I had severe social anxiety. I was terrified of people. I'd snap and binge eat until I was sick. Then I'd stop eating for days. I was put in the hospital more than once. I did not feel like a person. I was only a product for people to sell. I've been on so many sets with creepy photographers, asking me to take more of my clothes off. So many sets where I've had to change behind sheer curtains. So many sets where MUA's put glue on my face or hair or eyes. So many sets where I was freezing cold, teeth chattering while I tried to pose. But of course, there is good in this industry. I have to be thankful for the experiences I never would have gotten otherwise. Thank you to the many beautiful individuals who truly care about me, and the talented artists that I am very lucky to have worked with. And thank you especially to Briggs and Tianna for this very important shoot. This is my swan song. I wore these beautiful pieces by Hannah in my first creative shoot and now I've worn them in my last. I hope everyone finds comfort in themselves. At the end of the day that's all that matters. I'm taking a break until I find that for myself. In the meantime, I challenge the industry to do better. Step up for injustice when you see it, don't be afraid to say no, and challenge industry norms any time you can. If you have read this far, thank you. I am healing. I will be better soon. I will start again.
